knock knock...


near death

i was biking up clark street in andersonville; minding my own business when some freak bitch opened his car door without looking. i tried to swerve and avoid the collision - but alas, i could not.

after picking myself up off the middle of clark i immediately called the man an asshole and told him he's supposed to look in his rear view mirror before opening his door. he didn't like my tone of voice and tried to inform me i shouldn't speed down the street. actually, i wasn't speeding, i was going at a leisurely pace enjoying the indian summer - i was paying attention and he is a douche.

the only person concerned with my well-being was a waitress who asked if i was ok through her restaurant door. i like her.

in the best sarcastic tone i could muster i asked him to please excuse me so i could get my shoe. his dumb ass took that as politeness and then criticized me for being nice after calling him an asshole. i thought shoving the door into him to get my shoe was clue enough i hated his guts.

my gear shifter is broken. and i have a scrape on the top of my foot. but i'm a survivor, i'm going to make it.

i hope i fucked the inside of his car real good.



what is it about gossip girl that turns me into a 13 year old girl?

there is something that comes over me whenever i see an ad, commercial or magazine with one of the stars plastered on it. it comes from deep inside and bubbles through my body exploding through me like a thousand moon beams. that is the feeling of love my friends. i love gossip girl.

i don't think it is simply the story lines saturated with teenage sex, angst and back stabbing. though, who doesn't want to know if dan and serina will break up for good this time, or if blair and chuck will face the fact that they're in love and perfect for each other. will nate fully realize that family is more important than money and dump the hagged out twin peaks biatch? I WANT TO KNOW!

it has to be more than the amazing clothes they parade around in. changing outfits for every scene whether it makes sense in the story line or not... they KNOW all we want to do is stare are their pretty bodies clad in even prettier outfits.

does it have something to do with the social commentary on wealth, privilege and power? no... they aren't that good.

i think it may have something to do with the fact it's a cultural phenomenon. i know i know, gossip girl? yes! NO ONE WATCHES THIS SHOW, at least according to the ratings. but EVERYONE IS WATCHING THIS SHOW online and through itunes. they also have the most powerful tool at their fingertips - word of mouth. everyone talks about this show like these kids work and play in their everyday lives.

gossip girl is setting precedent for the next wave in tv/media. maybe i'm making a bigger deal of this show than i should, but for real, it's traversing uncharted territory. i want to know what these trustifarians will do next. and i want to know how this show will utilize new marketing/advertising/media tactics.



i'll have you for breakfast
i'll have you for a midnight snack.

you keep me happy and you keep me thin,
but thanks to you - my insides are not.

if only you were as good for me as fruit,
or jellies and jams.

you make me feel cool,
you make me look cool.

why do you have to kill me in 60 years?

you're a habit i don't want to break,
hearing you burn turns me on.

your lingering smell on my fingertips,
reminds me of the last time we were together.

do right by me,
and i'll do right by you.



my landlord is the biggest piece of eurotrash i've ever met. or laid eyes on.

he is the traditional definition of a landlord. my building is owned by a company, and this guy just lives in the complex with his family to keep a constant eye on the place and set fear into every one's heart. he's supposed to respond immediately to our requests with his minions. they don't respond at all. i couldn't use my back door for six months because the key broke off in the door. after repeatedly telling him i needed it fixed - i finally gave up.

one day i left my keys in my apartment and called him to let me in. the only problem with this is he doesn't answer his phone. you have to leave a message, wait for him to listen to the message, and then call back - at which time he'll answer and help you out. that's fucking retarded. why not answer the first time, or call me back... i won't miraculously get into my apartment you stupid fuck.

when he brought me keys to use, he brought my back door key. when i informed him that it wouldn't work he looked dumbfounded and asked why that still wasn't fixed. i don't know, maybe because you're too busy grilling on your jumbo grill and listening to your stupid daughter scream at her boyfriend every night on the phone in the backyard to care about my back door. DO YOUR JOB FREAK BITCH.

i'm not the cleanest person - so my apartment resembles a crack house. when i told them i was moving out, i asked to tell me before they showed it. the first time they complied, but i didn't clean up - i was sticking it to the man. the next time they wanted to show it he told me the night before in hopes i'd clean up. i don't know how familiar you are with landlord laws, but ten hour notice is illegal. i kind of cleaned up.

to top it all off, days later i noticed my ac unit was re-duct taped to my window. he was in my apartment without asking. WAY ILLEGAL!!!

i'm suing.



why do little old ladies hold hands?

are they pulling some boston marriage shit? in their old age they finally feel free to express their lesbian love? or do they hold hands because they're pulling back at a lost childhood experience?

maybe they just hold hands so the chances of blowing away decrease.



i'm fond of childhood activities. one of the best is taking small things, soaking them in water and watching them grow into bigger things. this is typically done with scuba-divers, fish, inanimate objects and dinosaurs.

yesterday my world experienced a small slice of magic when someone presented me with a little capsule. it was expected that this capsule would dissolve in warm water, releasing a sponge dinosaur. i was even presented with an example of a red sponge stegosaurus.

after preparing the bowl of warm water and plopping the capsule into the water, i waited. i saw something begin to take shape. i walked away. a watched pot never boils - i thought.

i came back and what expanded in the bowl is something that resembles a dinosaur NOT. it looks like a flying squirrel, or a unicorn without a uni-corn. or it looks like a green sponge blob, which is what it is. if i was a child, i would be really disappointed. i was really disappointed as an adult.

i'm thankful i saved one child from a traumatic experience they would no doubt remember far into adulthood.


lisa wagner

from now on, the only trips i will agree to take must involve seeing a friend from one place in another place.

exhibit a: madison trip and lisa wagner.

lisa wagner is the friend. the trip was to return an automobile. lisa wagner went to a concert with a friend who was on business at said concert.

i visited her at the roadside inn. in that inn you could smoke in the room - to indulge in this luxury you must disregard the blood stain on the sheets.


use a hose

unemployment day one

i've spent more money today than i would on a normal day. now i understand why the poor stay poor. everything cheap costs a lot of money and it's really unhealthy for you. if you have nothing to do - you spend money. and go crazy. i've gone crazy in one day.

i half assed looking for jobs. two people contacted me, but they are for jobs that will keep me poor. so i'll eat junk food and get fat and then have low self esteem and then not be able to get a job that fulfills me. man - they really know how to keep a brother down.

i've already begun to drink heavily today too. i will drink heavily until i find a job. that might also keep this brother down. but - i'll feel superficially better.

find me a job. or teach me how to pimp.


i now know

getting cannibalized won't always happen on buses

four parents can be cooler than two

boating is best

gays are the same anywhere

families are extremely welcoming

wisconsin has the strangest tourist attractions

kellen is still my favorite nephew

i have the best bff in the world

i will turn my ticket in

my parents are better than i thought

omaha is an enigma

she & him is the only acceptable music to listen to on a road trip

friends can be extremely welcoming

i will live on a lake someday

small town bars are where the magic happens

skinny dipping should only be done en masse

it's not a good vacation unless you come back injured

thing will never be the same