coal

i accidentally opened all my christmas presents already.

none from friends came wrapped, so that wasnt hard.

my sister sent me presents that i opened last week. i opened these bc half were for my ex boo. my sisters sweet, but sorta awkward.

after months of not talking to my mother, i got an email not so out of the blue. it simply said 'i sent a package to you. it should arrive before christmas. look out for it.'

i got the package this week. i was going to hold off on opening them until christmas eve (when my family traditionally opens gifts) bc only one present was for my ex boo.

this wasnt as awkward coming from my mother as it was from my sister. my sister asked if itd be appropriate to send those gifts, i told her to do whatever she wants. my mother was just trying to be nice.

my mother tried really hard with her presents. she got me some clothes ill probably actually wear and a collection of short stories by one of my fave authors.

i also got a tiny envelope with a pencil, matches, note cards and blue paper. the instructions describe writing a wish, configure the papers together and lighting them to carry your wishes away in a spark of blue fire.

i wish she hadnt been the bigger person.

i wish i would have purchased even one christmas present this year.

i wish i wasnt such a jerk.

holidaze

my team at work is donating $$ to the chicago house to help those lil nuggets go ice skating... were very giving.

the team is also taking a trip to the christkindlmarket for a special treat. in all the years ive been in chicago and all the years of my german heritage, ive never been. ive already been told i cannot drink any glog since well be there during werk hours. whatevz.

whenever anyone refers to our special outing (to take place tomorrow afternoon) they call it the christkindlmarket instead of just the christmas village. this really gets under my skin.

forgotten gem... sweater

forgotten jem

forgotten gem

long duck dong

ive made some new friends. i dont know their names bc we havent reached that point in our relationship yet and bc i havent read their name tags.

the ladies at the chinese place in the food court of work know me. that probably means i go there too often. whenever i get in line we have a nod of recognition and awkward grunts with smiles supposedly meaning 'how are you doing?' 'i'm fine'.

granted, they dont know my order yet so we mustnt be the best of friends... but at least they try and give me the same wrong thing each time. thats sayin something.

its cold in here

man-o-man... judging from my posts the last half of this year, youd think i was a real emo kid. that could be partially true.

but now things are getting real emo. my roommates mom is really sick, which doesnt lend itself to a carefree environment. kellys probably my best friend so think of her mom plz.

this first snow hasnt had a pleasant effect on me either. instead, it has made me feel cold, isolated and lonely. i h8 winter. its ghey.

ive also come to realize i dont have enough sad lonely women on my ipod, so i cant even listen to music that reflects my mood.

and ive failed miserably with this months book club selection.

and blogging at work effs up my formatting...... grrrr

.

baby daddy

why do people put pics of their kids on the background of their computer? i understand that youre proud and you made them and theyre the fruit of your loins, but i dont need to see your children bathing when i walk by. gimmie some breaks.

i dont think id even put a pic of a boo on my computer. leave it at home! then again, whenever anyone sees any of the backgrounds on my computer they give me strange looks and ask what compelled me to put it up. maybe im just too "artsy" for corporate america.

my captain planet pic on the weekly team meeting agenda was also met with some blank stares.

lolcatz

ive made a few changes as-of-late. mostly for the better.

i grew up a little and removed myself from the family plan. i now am a proud owner of an iphone. this has increased my connectedness to the internetz and textz while decreasing my checkbook and the amount of time i spend with real ppl. i do however, think im in love with it.

ive also joined a book club. one that actually meets and actually reads books i might get something out of. were also a music club. our title is aptly words & rhymes. im pretty pumped to read, listen and meet new people. maybe thatll make up for the fact im constantly on my phone now. theres something more beneficial to interacting with people on an intellectual level rather than getting drunk at a bar. maybe its just me and the people i surround myself with, but i havent gotten much of that since college.

recently ive decided that im going to go out to dinner every weekend. not just taco bell and bk lounge, but a nice, sit down dinner at a byob place with some of my closest girlfriends. i did this last weekend and the conversation and company was so much more fulfilling than when we later went to a party/bar.

i be loving life again. now that im back in the world after my fall from grace, i think things are looking up.

<

i want to see my world in pictures
i want my thoughts to ramble into something beautiful
i want to be a pop star
i want to know what i want when i grow up
i want a make over
i want to be respected
i want an iphone already
i want to accomplish something monumental
i want another cat
i want to know
i want to learn
i want to read more
i want to eat better
i want to smoke more
i want the glamor of drinking without the effect
i want a five year plan
i want a ten year plan
i want to feel like i have something to say
i want people to want to listen to what i have to say
i want something to say
i want the american dream
i want the american nightmare
i want to be unique
i want to be loved
i want my mom to apologize
i want to be a cool kid
i want to be admired
i want to admire
i want to know shit about shit
i want chocolate soy milk

happy halloweeeeeeeen!!

snooze fest

i wanted to blog... and have sat here for five minutes trying to think of something clever, witty or somewhat entertaining.

ive got nothing.

my life has gotten sooooooo boring. actually, only boring people get bored.

ive gotten sooooooo boring.

capitalist

ive gotten into this awful habit of buying. now that ive graduated into real person job status, i have also graduated into real person job habits.

when im bored, i go to the nearest place i can spend money. when im upset, i go to the nearest place i can spend money.

so far, ive been able to justify most of the purchases ive made as necessities. that wont last long. its also a lie.

what is it about money that makes you feel like you have to spend it? why cant i be one of those people who gets a thrill from saving money? spending doesnt even give me much of a thrill bc i have so much remorse after my purchase anyway.

turns out i was never better than consumerism. i was just broke.

boo

costumes excite me. so does the candy. the fact its my birthday is SUPER exciting. but what im most excited about for halloween, is the cubicle decoration contest at work.

vasectomy

when i got home today bowie screamed until i took him outside even though he pooped in the house. once i got back inside i had to feed him and put special food on top of his normal food so hed eat it. then rosie stared at me until i fed her and pushed me out of the way before i was finished, even though there'd been food sitting in the bowl all day. fatty. then i gave them all water, except i had to leave the sink running because godfrey only drinks from the tap.

i still have to pee, eat and take my effing coat off. children are too demanding.

snapped

ive always hated fuzzy things. i equate plush with caucasian waste. a double wide that reeks of stale cigarette smoke inevitably will have a white plush blanket incrusted with cheetos.

on christmas day 2008 i received a pair of plush pajama pants. luckily, this was during the time i was unemployed so i wore them for three months straight. i took them off to shower and none-to-often to wash. i so easily jumped on the crazy train.

lately, ive been on this kick to make my bed the most comfortable thing in the world. i got a plush body pillow. ive been morally apposed to those for years. something snapped and i decided i needed it. i named it body lux. hes my new boyfriend.

this weekend i took the plunge. i bought a plush blanket with fo-suede trim. its baby blue. it should have a playboy bunny embroidered in the center like a crest.

i dont know how i convinced myself these gifts and purchases were acceptable. its a downward spiral that i got on and went down fast.

i ate garden salsa sun chips in bed today. theres an orange stain on the edge of my plush blanket.

WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!!!??

just a thought

what happens when i get a bill for my broken tibia?

when i broke it i didnt really have a job and i definitely didnt have insurance... does that count as payment?

will obama save me from paying? will the hospitals be overwhelmed with new procedures and paperwork to notice my little bill?

did i fall between buildings at the perfect time to fall between the cracks?

bummed

its really strange to go out now. seeing people for the first time since i broke my tibia is even stranger.

last night it felt like alllll i talked about was my leg and trying to find non-awkward ways to make light of the fact i could have died and quickly change the subject.

i dont feel better. i havent recovered. i think about walking every time i do.

i dont feel like the same person but i dont feel like a new person. i feel stuck in limbo, completely controlled by an event that took two seconds.

two seconds changed my life.

two seconds consumes me.

i want them back.

is this racist?

it seems at every job i have, i inevitably smoke more cigarettes throughout the day the longer i hold the position.

it seems at every job i have, there are people who smoke on the same schedule i do.

it seems at every job i have, there is always an old indian man who smokes on the same schedule i do.

it seems at every job i have, this indian man just stands outside all day chain smoking.

it seems at every job i have, the last statement is proven true at some point.

it seems at this job i have, today i saw the indian man light a new cigarette with his old one.

werkin

i coordinate pharmaceutical programs. glamorous, i know.

today i was talking to this lady at a japanese steakhouse and she said, 'you sound young to be doing business.'

....apparently my balls havent dropped.

baby boyfriend

two years ago today, the love of my life came into this world.

godfrey srsly makes me the happiest person in the world.

he got a special dinner, some treats and a new toy today. hes also torn apart the house and broken some glasses. he knows hes special today. and its ok.

imagine

obsessed?

contrary to popular belief, i dated girls once. my ginger ex was in town this weekend. she mentioned i might be crazy.

crazy in respect to my cat.

sure, i got his face tattooed on my body 4ever and i call him my baby boyfriend. but doesnt everybody love their pets? to some extreme? its not that weird i got him tattooed. its not like, 'man, i used to love tweety bird, but now my interests have matured and i feel stupid for having him tattooed on the middle of my lower back.' ill love godfrey for a lifetime.

he might not be the sweetest cat. and he might not show any affection. he might even ruin my roommates couch - but he makes me happy.

i dont believe in crazy cat people. they just have a lot of love to give.

keeper

this is what took care of me throughout my recovery.

he waited on me hand and broken foot. i think i appreciated it.

hes an ok guy.

milk

i had my first team meeting at work today.

my team was nice enough to get a cookie cake that said 'welcome drew'.

i was in charge of cutting said cookie cake.

when i finished cutting it, i wiped the excess frosting onto the box.

a gasp broke out among the team.

who knew frosting was such a big deal?

so it is

tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. for the time being.

i start a new job tomorrow - well see where this goes.

in other news - i think i partook in a hippie, communal, jam, party fest this weekend. thank god brads roommate built a yurt. i dont know how i would have gotten my fix of folksy, snug, geometrically perfect party time in the city.

new

because ill love him 4eva and money never last$

move bitch

i have a homie walk. or a g stride. maybe i'm str8 thuggin it. whichever you chose, this boot makes me limp like the people wearing baggy sweatpants and the reeboks with the straps.

do people look at me now and say, 'what a bad ass' or 'im afraid of him' in the same way they do others with my stride? those that choose to walk with a limp and a slide - did their mothers strap a walking boot on them as toddlers?

i might keep this walk when im healed to solidify my street cred.

fave

4life

i broke my tibia and all i got was a scar and a metal rod... and a walking boot for a month.

at least i still get to ride the carts at target.

beginnings?

i have a doctor appt tomorrow. they don't tell me much - but i think im getting this shit off. maybe ill have a walking boot? they told me it would be over in six weeks and six weeks its been. i can tell because my leg is reallllly skinny.

ive gotten used to sitting around the house. tv is my new bff. what am i going to do with this new found freedom?!! i dont think im going to drink much. that will not be on the list.

i think ill clean my apt. then i will dance. i will dance like youve never seen anyone dance before. i will break records for dancing. i will tear through floors with my mad moves. i will rain sweat from my body in honor of the dance. if there is a dance party, i! will! find! it! i will make mass street choreographed dances a reality! I WILL DANCE!

am i the only one who remembers this?!!

reading list

its time to start a book club. i think this should be the summer of salinger. i want to re-read all i have and read the ones i havent. i want to discuss them while drinking sangria in the afternoon and scotch at night. possibly throw a cigar in the mix.

there is something about him that makes me feel electric, creative and invincible. im gay. but whos with me?

chim and hilary - i feel like you might be down. hopefully i wont want to kill john lennon.

what the what?

when youre broken, people think they can talk to you. always. anywhere.

today i was riding the elevator down from the train and this lady asked me about my leg. all the usual questions, what happened? is it broken? how long will you be like this? i usually just answer all forthcoming questions after the first to save time and hopefully prove to them i dont want to be bothered. youd think that attempting to maneuver around chicago and the outlying suburbs would be enough of a clue im not up for chit chat.

the lady mentioned that my leg would hurt whenever it was cold or raining. to prove her knowledge correct, she began to tell me why she personally has this problem. with her seven year old daughter by her side she said she broke four toes. she did this by kicking her ex-husband 'in the privates'. another man asked how you break four toes kicking someone in the dick and she said after she kicked him once, she just kept kicking.

excuse me?!!

she said all this with a half retarded smile on her face.

the "sprain"

remember when casey kasem came to the max for a dance-a-thon and everyone from bayside was determined to win?

more importantly, remember that lisa turtle sprained her ankle and they created the winning dance move called the turtle?

i need to rock that move.

and if you can find a rocking clip of that online ill love you foreva.




UPDATE



thanks kate

big

this is my third week of being cooped up... i think. ive had a lot of time now to watch/read things and reflect.

last night i watched big fish. the movie obviously makes mention of being around to do big things. im starting to think im around to do big things.

i didnt die. and im not paralyzed. im going to walk away from this (literally) without any repercussions. thats kind of major. i was thinking - things havent been difficult for me. ive gotten to this point in my life with minimal crisis and im doing better than most. but - i can do better.

without god or whatever, this happened for a reason and its to show me that i can do more than i am. i am better than the job i kind of have and im better than the lifestyle im kind of living. i need to jump into that bigger pond and do something with my life.

i just need to figure out what that is..... maybe ill figure that out in the next half of this detour.

to do:

i would like to accomplish these things once my leg has healed...

- walk
- walk down the street
- shower. by myself
- visit friends at their homes
- dance
- go out to dinner
- go to a party (and not drink (a lot))
- ride my bike
- dance
- take bowie on a walk
- chase godfrey to cuddle
- clean my apt
- take out the garbage
- check the mail
- go see the hangover and up
- dance
- dance
- dance
- go grocery shopping
- go shopping
- carry things
- dance

tibia

it feels like theres a metal rod in my leg replacing my bone. oh - there is.

this morning it hurt more than usual, i suspected it was bc of the weather. will my leg expand and creak every time it rains now? at the ripe old age of 23, will the words uttered by ancient people spill from my lips?

the hardest thing about being immobile - next to seeing every tv show available - is going to bed. you would think that laying around all day, my leg would find a comfy zone. or that the pain would stay strong throughout the day. nope. once i lay down to slumber it decides to get uncomfortable. no matter how i position it - pain. there are about three different positions i can try. my leg completely extended, bent at the knee and strategically placed so as to lay on my side. none of these work.

ive even stopped taking my pain meds during the day and only take it at night in hopes ill knock myself out pain free. nope.

i have a new appreciation for pain free mobility.

im back

sort of.

im back in chicago. my parents didnt want to care for me in the first place and were scheming to send me back. i gave them a reason in the form of breaking things. besides my tibia.

ive come to find out that the family ive created for myself of friends is better than the family god gave me. besides my sister. shell always be awesome.

my family thinks im a spoiled, ungrateful brat and they use that as justification to look past the changes and growth in me. as well as an excuse not to care about me getting better.

my friends have been a huge support because they realize im not a waste of space and know there are special things about me. theyve been supportive no matter what - especially now while i recover. i dont think i would trade any of them for anything. theyre magical.

i love the family i chose for myself.

oops

i broke my tibia. i fell off my balcony. apparently everything bad ive ever done finally caught up with me. falling three stories and landing on a fence probably should have killed/paralyzed me. thats what everyones been telling me.

maybe its too fresh - but im probably supposed to gain wisdom and perspective from this. i havent. i could say, 'ive found who truly cares about me and the friends that are real.' the truth is - i could have predicted how everyone reacted. there werent any surprises.

ill probably drink less and not fall off balconies after this, but beyond that - it hasnt given me a clearer perspective on my life. after three more weeks of gimping around i might tell a different story.

and hopin'

not that im especially superstitious, but i always wish on eye lashes, stars and the clock. while thats not terribly superstitious - the anxiety i get from these activities would say otherwise.

maybe its wrong, but i wish any time the clock has the same numbers all the way across. this includes 1:11 and such. some say that doesnt count and you can only wish at times like 11:11. false. i also have to repeat the wish verbally the number of times the clock shows. twice for 2:22, twelve times for 12:12. if i dont make it - the wish will not come true. i also have to blow a kiss after wishing at every clock i see that reads the time. hence the anxiety. its an effing process to make my dreams come true.

eyelashes are slightly easier - but i also cheat to myself. traditionally, i would need to close the eyelash between my thumb and pointer finger while guessing which finger it will end up on when i pull them apart. if i get this wrong - wish is over, no good. however, if i get it right i can continue. i then make a wish, and blow it off my finger. if it does not blow off - wish is over, no good. if it does, my dreams will come true. i havent been doing the first step recently and i believe thats been detrimental. hence, my anxiety - but also, that whole process is anxiety ridden.

i should just stick to birthday candles. anxiety once a year.

im going down

in true train wreck fashion, my weekend was a hot mess.

it all started innocently enough with a family dinner at mi tierra. once you add the live mariachi band, four pitchers of margaritas, a personalized sombrero and a sparkler cup cake - things get tainted.

if that experience wasnt enough for me, next i trotted over to uncle fattys. i was unaware this place existed and i wish i still was. it was repeatedly referred to as my new haircut. true.

after drinking that away, i stumble home to find an entire band at my apt. granted - they were probably 17 years old and mormon.

all in all it was pretty difficult to wake up for a graduation today.

oh, and i found this online.... when my friend turned this in the teacher asked if i was on drugs. nope. thats just me at 20.

lame-o

as of late, my life has been uninteresting. i take that back. its really interesting, in an uninteresting way.

settling in with new roommates is always fun. learning anything and everything about each other while getting obliterated is something i do best. but im starting to get bored. or at least, im ready for an adventure.

well, ive had plenty of adventures this weekend - but i guess my summer craving has been peaked and now im on the look out for more. how can you beat a weekend of fun dipping, art showing, party crashing, never-have-i-evering, crush awkwarding and bk lounging? you really cant. im a firm believer that all of the above are what life is about.

gimmie more. soon. now. fast.

oh yea, and theres this new lady in my life...

happy mom day

the weekends are destroying me. my mother would be disappointed.

maybe ill look into philanthropic efforts today, in honor of mothering.

maybe ill just eat burger king and watch tv.

all in the family

im a father of three now. godfrey is learning how to share. he doesnt do that well.

what he does do well is rape. he attempts rape on rosie about 5x a day. its pretty hott. rosies starting to like it though, i caught her sniffing his butt and licking him. theres love in this apt - that means its good.

godfreys step-brother bowie might be my new bff. i love him.

i have internet kinda

i feel like an addict finally getting my fix.

today i was waiting for the bus after a day that was too long. these girls who were no older (generously) than 16 were waiting at the same stop.

one of the girls was having a phone conversation and all i heard was 'it couldnt be your baby. she slept with him a week and a half ago.' prior to this, she was asking the boy on the other line about the girls menstrual cycle, acting as an expert on when and how a girl can get pregnant. judging by the information she was spouting, she is going to get pregnant very soon.

now, this whole situation was shocking, but what was even more shocking - the sexperts two friends were nonchalantly listening to this conversation unfold. at one point, one turns to the other and says, 'im really horny'.

i 'bout lost it.

for kim

today at work i had to call doctors. naturally, this would scare you right?

most places where doctors work have, basically, the exact same messaging system to filter calls. they all start with 'if you are experience a medical emergency, hang up and call 911' one of them said, 'if you're experiencing a true medical emergency call ###-####'. i dont know, if i was experiencing a medical emergency, i probably wouldnt have the brain capacity or bodily capacity to remember/write down a seven digit number.

my favorite places are the ones who have music playing while they put me on hold. not elevator music, but radio stations of classic rock, light rock, or oldies. i think there was something wrong with some states radio/my phone because it would be playing a song and all of a sudden this death voice would replace the pop singer and finish the lyrics. i likened it to the voice of the scream guy.

my favorite one was the marvin gaye song whats going on when marvin sang 'mother mother theres too many of you crying' followed by the grim reaper singing, 'brother brother brother theres too many of you dying'.

minimalist

i started packing my life up today. i always knew i didnt have a lot of stuff, but now im realizing i really dont have a lot of stuff. i think im basically done, minus a few odds and ends and some more clothing, but i've only filled up three boxes and five bags of clothes.

maybe instead of moving into an apt, i should buy an rv and live out of that.

they are fighting

why are zombies cool? i thought that fad came and left already, but it feels like it lingers. or maybe its more like a trend instead of a fad. can zombies be a trend? maybe theyre classic. i dont really like zombies.

i probably respect people less if they a) talk about zombies, b) theorize about zombies, c) joke about zombies, d) suggest i watch a movie about zombies or e) are a zombie.

i dont find anything appealing about them. i dont think theyre funny or relevant. i cant even think of any more things to criticize about them, thats how lame they are.

christ has risen

holla

all the single ladies

i got a divorce. im looking to experiment with girls.

take a number and give me your measurements. ill treat you badly, fuck you madly and wont make you breakfast.

here i come

the time has come to move off the grid. or, for the majority of people i know - smack dab in the middle of it.

thats right folks. im moving to the west side in may. no more simplicity of the north.

i will frolic among the hipsters and glide through the bicycles. i will enter into the bubble that prevents people from ever leaving. im excited.

the apt is pretty bomb. there will be a warming. so you betta come.

gold

two things

after a cig break at work today, i almost ran into an old man. he was shuffling in place, not moving. as i went through the door into the building i looked back after him. he continued shuffling in place and then started walking at a normal pace. he was just warming up.

secondly, i was on the train going home and i looked out the window at one stop to see a man wearing sweatpants. he kept these sweatpants up by pulling the waste cord at the front of the pants up around his neck. so he kind of had a sweatpant necklace or sweatpant halter depending on how you looked at it.

ch-ch-changes

why do things have to change? why dont i like change? i wish i could go back to being 17. that was a really good time. i didnt have responsibilities and everything seemed to be at my fingertips.

now things are changing, probably for the better... but i dont feel that sense of hope i did when i was 17. now all change feels daunting and the unknown freaks me the eff out. if things could just be constant and stable for a good six months, i would probably feel ok.

my college's motto was create change. uh.... ok. sure. i think if i was creating it, id feel better about it. but the truth is, the change is creating me. that doesnt sit well.

appease

im really into party questions and games. they might be taken as at the expense of someone else, but theyre really not. im not trying to make people uncomfortable, well, ok - im trying to make people uncomfortable. but its all in good fun!

the questions can be construed as offensive and the conversation is usually putting people on the spot. but if people want to earn my respect, they should play along. i love it when people "get it". what i dont love is when people dont "get it".

example: this weekend i asked what the % or fine line between gay and deaf was.

its not that hard. take what im saying at face value and appease me by playing along. keep the joke going. up the ante. you FAIL if you stare at me like im an idiot and act like the questions are beneath you. i cant help it if you dont understand. the questions are actually highly developed and by answering them youll show personality and wit. duh.

get with it people.

omgz..

cause i need more...

dream

can i do this for a job?