bus-ted love

i caught my bus girlfriend fixing her hair and smiling when i stepped on today. usually when i can tell someones excited to see me, it turns me off and i want nothing to do with them. but she gave me butterflies.

through numerous conversations i realize that just about everyone has a bus/train bf/gf. theres a lady with a lad on the 66, a ghey with a mo on the 36 and me on the 72. i have two. one of each sex.

theres a strong possibility i would go str8 for my bus gf. shes tall and pretty while slightly nerdy. i can tell she has interesting thoughts and is thoughtful herself. basically shes a babe with a heart and who wouldnt be all over that? and she loves me. she holds her books just so i can see what shes reading and be impressed. i try to look extra macho to keep this fantasy alive as well.

today i was sitting in the back on the second level, right next to the exit doors. she gets off at western and for half a block was standing directly in front of me. while we faced each other she couldnt contain her smile and had to look away. it was the cutest. darn. thing. ive. ever. seen.

partially i feel bad that she doesnt realize i like boys, but at the same time - if i can bring a little joy to her morning commute and her mine, what's the harm?

my bus boyfriend is a little different. hes a 30-something business man who slightly resembles superman. if he realizes im alive, its bc hes caught me oogling him while i drool. its impossible for me to casually glance at him once or twice, for some reason i have to blatantly stare at him from when he gets on at wood to off at the redline... or visa versa, bc i am lucky enough to ride to and from with him.

if only my bus girlfriend knew....

now

i got what i wanted. i wanted to feel real again for the first time since i dated her.

we got what we wanted. we wanted to switch places and learn as much as we could.

ill take his advice and push my hair back a little more. ill go out with my friends and tell them, 'you were right'. ill stop pretending and find the beauty in vulnerability. ill stop looking.

ill begin to work on myself for the first time since i dated her.

ill begin to be the person he knew i could be.

hopefully ill stop being such a fucking emo creep.

01022010

coal

i accidentally opened all my christmas presents already.

none from friends came wrapped, so that wasnt hard.

my sister sent me presents that i opened last week. i opened these bc half were for my ex boo. my sisters sweet, but sorta awkward.

after months of not talking to my mother, i got an email not so out of the blue. it simply said 'i sent a package to you. it should arrive before christmas. look out for it.'

i got the package this week. i was going to hold off on opening them until christmas eve (when my family traditionally opens gifts) bc only one present was for my ex boo.

this wasnt as awkward coming from my mother as it was from my sister. my sister asked if itd be appropriate to send those gifts, i told her to do whatever she wants. my mother was just trying to be nice.

my mother tried really hard with her presents. she got me some clothes ill probably actually wear and a collection of short stories by one of my fave authors.

i also got a tiny envelope with a pencil, matches, note cards and blue paper. the instructions describe writing a wish, configure the papers together and lighting them to carry your wishes away in a spark of blue fire.

i wish she hadnt been the bigger person.

i wish i would have purchased even one christmas present this year.

i wish i wasnt such a jerk.

holidaze

my team at work is donating $$ to the chicago house to help those lil nuggets go ice skating... were very giving.

the team is also taking a trip to the christkindlmarket for a special treat. in all the years ive been in chicago and all the years of my german heritage, ive never been. ive already been told i cannot drink any glog since well be there during werk hours. whatevz.

whenever anyone refers to our special outing (to take place tomorrow afternoon) they call it the christkindlmarket instead of just the christmas village. this really gets under my skin.

forgotten gem... sweater

forgotten jem

forgotten gem

long duck dong

ive made some new friends. i dont know their names bc we havent reached that point in our relationship yet and bc i havent read their name tags.

the ladies at the chinese place in the food court of work know me. that probably means i go there too often. whenever i get in line we have a nod of recognition and awkward grunts with smiles supposedly meaning 'how are you doing?' 'i'm fine'.

granted, they dont know my order yet so we mustnt be the best of friends... but at least they try and give me the same wrong thing each time. thats sayin something.

its cold in here

man-o-man... judging from my posts the last half of this year, youd think i was a real emo kid. that could be partially true.

but now things are getting real emo. my roommates mom is really sick, which doesnt lend itself to a carefree environment. kellys probably my best friend so think of her mom plz.

this first snow hasnt had a pleasant effect on me either. instead, it has made me feel cold, isolated and lonely. i h8 winter. its ghey.

ive also come to realize i dont have enough sad lonely women on my ipod, so i cant even listen to music that reflects my mood.

and ive failed miserably with this months book club selection.

and blogging at work effs up my formatting...... grrrr

.

baby daddy

why do people put pics of their kids on the background of their computer? i understand that youre proud and you made them and theyre the fruit of your loins, but i dont need to see your children bathing when i walk by. gimmie some breaks.

i dont think id even put a pic of a boo on my computer. leave it at home! then again, whenever anyone sees any of the backgrounds on my computer they give me strange looks and ask what compelled me to put it up. maybe im just too "artsy" for corporate america.

my captain planet pic on the weekly team meeting agenda was also met with some blank stares.

lolcatz

ive made a few changes as-of-late. mostly for the better.

i grew up a little and removed myself from the family plan. i now am a proud owner of an iphone. this has increased my connectedness to the internetz and textz while decreasing my checkbook and the amount of time i spend with real ppl. i do however, think im in love with it.

ive also joined a book club. one that actually meets and actually reads books i might get something out of. were also a music club. our title is aptly words & rhymes. im pretty pumped to read, listen and meet new people. maybe thatll make up for the fact im constantly on my phone now. theres something more beneficial to interacting with people on an intellectual level rather than getting drunk at a bar. maybe its just me and the people i surround myself with, but i havent gotten much of that since college.

recently ive decided that im going to go out to dinner every weekend. not just taco bell and bk lounge, but a nice, sit down dinner at a byob place with some of my closest girlfriends. i did this last weekend and the conversation and company was so much more fulfilling than when we later went to a party/bar.

i be loving life again. now that im back in the world after my fall from grace, i think things are looking up.

<

i want to see my world in pictures
i want my thoughts to ramble into something beautiful
i want to be a pop star
i want to know what i want when i grow up
i want a make over
i want to be respected
i want an iphone already
i want to accomplish something monumental
i want another cat
i want to know
i want to learn
i want to read more
i want to eat better
i want to smoke more
i want the glamor of drinking without the effect
i want a five year plan
i want a ten year plan
i want to feel like i have something to say
i want people to want to listen to what i have to say
i want something to say
i want the american dream
i want the american nightmare
i want to be unique
i want to be loved
i want my mom to apologize
i want to be a cool kid
i want to be admired
i want to admire
i want to know shit about shit
i want chocolate soy milk

happy halloweeeeeeeen!!

snooze fest

i wanted to blog... and have sat here for five minutes trying to think of something clever, witty or somewhat entertaining.

ive got nothing.

my life has gotten sooooooo boring. actually, only boring people get bored.

ive gotten sooooooo boring.

capitalist

ive gotten into this awful habit of buying. now that ive graduated into real person job status, i have also graduated into real person job habits.

when im bored, i go to the nearest place i can spend money. when im upset, i go to the nearest place i can spend money.

so far, ive been able to justify most of the purchases ive made as necessities. that wont last long. its also a lie.

what is it about money that makes you feel like you have to spend it? why cant i be one of those people who gets a thrill from saving money? spending doesnt even give me much of a thrill bc i have so much remorse after my purchase anyway.

turns out i was never better than consumerism. i was just broke.

boo

costumes excite me. so does the candy. the fact its my birthday is SUPER exciting. but what im most excited about for halloween, is the cubicle decoration contest at work.

vasectomy

when i got home today bowie screamed until i took him outside even though he pooped in the house. once i got back inside i had to feed him and put special food on top of his normal food so hed eat it. then rosie stared at me until i fed her and pushed me out of the way before i was finished, even though there'd been food sitting in the bowl all day. fatty. then i gave them all water, except i had to leave the sink running because godfrey only drinks from the tap.

i still have to pee, eat and take my effing coat off. children are too demanding.

snapped

ive always hated fuzzy things. i equate plush with caucasian waste. a double wide that reeks of stale cigarette smoke inevitably will have a white plush blanket incrusted with cheetos.

on christmas day 2008 i received a pair of plush pajama pants. luckily, this was during the time i was unemployed so i wore them for three months straight. i took them off to shower and none-to-often to wash. i so easily jumped on the crazy train.

lately, ive been on this kick to make my bed the most comfortable thing in the world. i got a plush body pillow. ive been morally apposed to those for years. something snapped and i decided i needed it. i named it body lux. hes my new boyfriend.

this weekend i took the plunge. i bought a plush blanket with fo-suede trim. its baby blue. it should have a playboy bunny embroidered in the center like a crest.

i dont know how i convinced myself these gifts and purchases were acceptable. its a downward spiral that i got on and went down fast.

i ate garden salsa sun chips in bed today. theres an orange stain on the edge of my plush blanket.

WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!!!??

just a thought

what happens when i get a bill for my broken tibia?

when i broke it i didnt really have a job and i definitely didnt have insurance... does that count as payment?

will obama save me from paying? will the hospitals be overwhelmed with new procedures and paperwork to notice my little bill?

did i fall between buildings at the perfect time to fall between the cracks?

bummed

its really strange to go out now. seeing people for the first time since i broke my tibia is even stranger.

last night it felt like alllll i talked about was my leg and trying to find non-awkward ways to make light of the fact i could have died and quickly change the subject.

i dont feel better. i havent recovered. i think about walking every time i do.

i dont feel like the same person but i dont feel like a new person. i feel stuck in limbo, completely controlled by an event that took two seconds.

two seconds changed my life.

two seconds consumes me.

i want them back.

is this racist?

it seems at every job i have, i inevitably smoke more cigarettes throughout the day the longer i hold the position.

it seems at every job i have, there are people who smoke on the same schedule i do.

it seems at every job i have, there is always an old indian man who smokes on the same schedule i do.

it seems at every job i have, this indian man just stands outside all day chain smoking.

it seems at every job i have, the last statement is proven true at some point.

it seems at this job i have, today i saw the indian man light a new cigarette with his old one.

werkin

i coordinate pharmaceutical programs. glamorous, i know.

today i was talking to this lady at a japanese steakhouse and she said, 'you sound young to be doing business.'

....apparently my balls havent dropped.

baby boyfriend

two years ago today, the love of my life came into this world.

godfrey srsly makes me the happiest person in the world.

he got a special dinner, some treats and a new toy today. hes also torn apart the house and broken some glasses. he knows hes special today. and its ok.

imagine