in the wind

i'll check out the protests...
during the lunch break from my corporate office.
buying food with my pharmaceutical industry provided paycheck.
not having to budget for student loan payments.
unaware of the amount of taxes i pay.

i disgust myself.

im bringing blogging back

Yea - I quit it. Blogging was starting to be too accurate a representation of the downward spiral my life was on. My concept for this blog was to share witty, anecdotal episodes from my life/the weird shit I think about. ORIGINAL IDEA - I KNOW!

Somewhere along the road next to the empty cigarette packs, discarded rum and coke glasses, failed relationships and broken legs – I lost sight of that.

WELL IM BACK BITCHES AND BETTER THAN EVER! (YTBD)

I’ve been on this kick of self improvement which has included:

• a year off boys(ish)
• buying furniture
• seeking professional help
• being cleanly(ish)
• working on my fitness
• working on my mind

Now that I’m at a place where I won’t just sound like a whiny bitch, I’ll get back to blogging.

oooh fuck

sillyz

while i understand my interest in justin bieber and silly bandz liken me to a tween gurl, i cant help it. what started off as an ironic interest into tween culture has developed into a full blown addiction.

i. love. justin. bieber. i have the fever. its not a joke anymore or something funny to put on the idock. i love his music so hard that im going to see him in concert in november. and ill most likely be crying along with the 11 year old im sure to be seated next to.

we will cry and hug each other in a non-creepy way. well probably even trade some silly bandz. of which, im also obsessed and probably no longer in a funny way.

i have contemplated every conceivable way i can obtain as many silly bandz as possible of each different type. i refuse to acknowledge fake silly bandz and am on the hunt for the illusive sea, beach and western packs. COME ON CHICAGO GET WITH IT!

im devolving really quickly. pretty soon ill start beaching on a hannah montana towel and wear those butterfly barrette clips in my hair.

keep + trap

homaha

i went somewhere in middle america this weekend for a friends wedding and lucked out by being there for my besties bday and my nephews bday party.

i was also a lucky duck bc the chick getting married went to columbia with me, so all my chi-town besties got to see o-town first hand.

it was fun showing them how we do in the heartland.

what i did realize, despite the wedding being the best ive ever been to and getting to see all my family at pump it up - i never want to have that real life. shits scary!

forcing awkward conversation with adults while children run in every direction - NAGL

being with the same person for the rest of my life - NAGL

even though, im secretly jealous of ppl in love and want that more than anything - NAGL x 1000

~@~

along with the rest of chicago, i saw she & him last night. it felt nice to be outside with my friends enjoying the only three months chicago is actually fun. those three months are so much fun that it makes the other nine bearable.

after wine, cheese and trees, those cutsie little verses with the charming melodies started hitting me hard. ive been grappling with my state of affairs lately and that stupid little duo brought me back to a place; a specific week i was the happiest in my life. last night it just made me sad.

i know its juvenile to form opinions based on txt messages, but i do. everyone does it. as a droid - if i dont get what i want in 140-160 characters, ill find it in a she & him song.

@emma_says

my life has turned into droiding through the week and living for the weekends.. the american dream i guess, broke and trying to find some semblance of a normal relationship.

and again, some great pics to show for it...

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god bless america

this might have been the best weekend of my life. filled with bbqs, beaches, beers and much needed rest. my relationship with chica blossomed through burning, aloe and glee. i didnt fall off a roof this weekend, which is more than i can say for last year.

unfortunately, i had too much fun yesterday to take many pictures as i lost a hoola-hoop competition to an 8 year old, danced with an 80 year old and conga lined through ravenswood club - the rest of the weekend can best be described through a few select images.

hes baaack

godfrey returned to me last night. thank you hilwill for taking such good care of him... i owe her a vegan dinner. anyone know what/how to make a vegan dinner?

usually godfrey is a pretty stand off-ish cat. hes not the biggest when it comes to cuddling. however, probably bc he was scared and/or missed me so much, he slept with me alllll niiiight loooong. this in turn made it the best night ive had in a REALLY long time.

it was straight on cuddle fest 2010.

splat

if sleeping on a couch between leases with all my possessions in storage and sending my baby to his vacation home werent enough, my life continues to fall apart.

eliminating unnecessary dramatics from this story, lets just make a list:

• my identity was stolen, subsequently:
• my chicago card was deactivated
• i have to deal with CHASE BANK (hell on earth)
• i funded someones drinking binge at joes liquor in cicero, il
• i funded fuel ups at gas stations around the chicagoland area
• my phone bill is due with no way to pay online
• i cant purchase the next big app/music sensation on itunes
• i have to use cash for EVERYTHING
• im supposed to move with weekend, uhaul... do you accept personal checks?
• my new card is arriving at my new address... hopefully USPS realizes i live there
  

i should take this as a hint to just fall off the fucking grid.

this is all

thank g

i found a new home. the north side was calling my name again and i needed to answer that call. ravenswood here i come!

im about to get into a lot of trouble with this one.... jesus take the wheel.

scum

some d-bag hacked into my online accounts and read through all my messages/chats/emails. obviously this wasnt a scam and was done by a personal acquaintance who will not be named... give you three guesses.

i didnt so much have anything to hide as i prefer my personal information kept private and not to feel completely violated.

this is the interwebz equivalent to being robbed right? ive been digitally burgled.

plz

"I want someone who will be monogamous, and nice to their mother. I want someone who likes musicals but knows to just shut his mouth when I'm watching Lost Gossip Girl. And I want someone who thinks being really into cars shoes is really lame, and thinks strip clubs gay bars are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the diswasher, and instead of just taking out forks as needed. Like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a damn Disney Prince. And I want him to genuinely like me. Even when I'm old. And that's what I want."

- Liz Lemon

WHS 04

i hung out with an old friend last night. i really needed that.

weve known each other since elementary school and as it stands, shes my oldest friend.

weve always lived in the same city, but dont get to see each other that often. i needed to feel like i was home again.

i understand why ppl say college and high school are some of the best years of your life - not the crazy great times you cant remember bc you were too drunk and/or awkward, but being naive. if i could go back to knowing nothing and feeling like i knew everything - book my ticket.

even though i know more now but feel like i know nothing, it was nice to go back for one night.

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im in l

he rests his head on my chest, nuzzling in. i run my fingers through his hair as we stare into each others eyes. he kisses my nose and i snuggle in. we lay there, softly vibrating together.

this is what love is supposed to feel like. this is what love is supposed to be. just me and my cat.

fuck it

so, things havent been the best lately and i have such a hard time getting the energy to make anything different happen.

ok - sure i can get caught up in how awful my life is while realizing that only i can make it better and getting down on myself not knowing how and realizing that i just have to do it and feeling burdened by the actuality of doing something and the stupid cycle goes on and on and on.

tonight though, i decided. whenever i start to feel shitty about my situation, im going to let someone in my life know how happy/proud/inspired i am by them. sort of a pay-it-forward kind of thing.

i believe this will selfishly make me feel like a good person while selflessly making someone else feel special. maybe it will turn into motivation....

lets see how this goes... and look out for some messages friends.

wrud?

things are happening so fast i feel suffocated by change. i prefer to be in control and drive the direction, so this feeling of being swooped along doesnt sit well.

the perspective i have on things is similar to a cars side view mirror. things of less importance are larger than they appear and all those significant moments are lost in my blind spot.

let me get this straight - im supposed to drone through my days, weeks, months and be rewarded by other peoples "monumental" events, 24 shared pictures on facebook and a business card?

im sick of trying to fill out this sheet of paper i need to look good on. its really fucking hard and i thought we were supposed to move towards becoming a paperless society.

welp

here we go again....

layoffs. i was affected.

in reality, this is the best thing that could have happened. i hated that place. like, a lot.

i've been taking baby steps to a better person for a while now, this was just the kick in the pants i needed to go full throttle.

this economy isnt getting me down motha fucka i gotz shit lined UP!

in the mean time - who wants to hang out? i have a lot of free time and i dont do well with that. if youre interested in making bad decisions and laughing at consequences - call me!

corporate $$

my werk email has been down for the last six and a half hours. i have two hours of work to go. i have successfully made a full days pay blatantly tweeting, txting, facebooking, gchatting and web surfing.

... that's pretty much what i get paid to do usually, just not so obviously.

bus-ted love

i caught my bus girlfriend fixing her hair and smiling when i stepped on today. usually when i can tell someones excited to see me, it turns me off and i want nothing to do with them. but she gave me butterflies.

through numerous conversations i realize that just about everyone has a bus/train bf/gf. theres a lady with a lad on the 66, a ghey with a mo on the 36 and me on the 72. i have two. one of each sex.

theres a strong possibility i would go str8 for my bus gf. shes tall and pretty while slightly nerdy. i can tell she has interesting thoughts and is thoughtful herself. basically shes a babe with a heart and who wouldnt be all over that? and she loves me. she holds her books just so i can see what shes reading and be impressed. i try to look extra macho to keep this fantasy alive as well.

today i was sitting in the back on the second level, right next to the exit doors. she gets off at western and for half a block was standing directly in front of me. while we faced each other she couldnt contain her smile and had to look away. it was the cutest. darn. thing. ive. ever. seen.

partially i feel bad that she doesnt realize i like boys, but at the same time - if i can bring a little joy to her morning commute and her mine, what's the harm?

my bus boyfriend is a little different. hes a 30-something business man who slightly resembles superman. if he realizes im alive, its bc hes caught me oogling him while i drool. its impossible for me to casually glance at him once or twice, for some reason i have to blatantly stare at him from when he gets on at wood to off at the redline... or visa versa, bc i am lucky enough to ride to and from with him.

if only my bus girlfriend knew....

now

i got what i wanted. i wanted to feel real again for the first time since i dated her.

we got what we wanted. we wanted to switch places and learn as much as we could.

ill take his advice and push my hair back a little more. ill go out with my friends and tell them, 'you were right'. ill stop pretending and find the beauty in vulnerability. ill stop looking.

ill begin to work on myself for the first time since i dated her.

ill begin to be the person he knew i could be.

hopefully ill stop being such a fucking emo creep.

01022010

coal

i accidentally opened all my christmas presents already.

none from friends came wrapped, so that wasnt hard.

my sister sent me presents that i opened last week. i opened these bc half were for my ex boo. my sisters sweet, but sorta awkward.

after months of not talking to my mother, i got an email not so out of the blue. it simply said 'i sent a package to you. it should arrive before christmas. look out for it.'

i got the package this week. i was going to hold off on opening them until christmas eve (when my family traditionally opens gifts) bc only one present was for my ex boo.

this wasnt as awkward coming from my mother as it was from my sister. my sister asked if itd be appropriate to send those gifts, i told her to do whatever she wants. my mother was just trying to be nice.

my mother tried really hard with her presents. she got me some clothes ill probably actually wear and a collection of short stories by one of my fave authors.

i also got a tiny envelope with a pencil, matches, note cards and blue paper. the instructions describe writing a wish, configure the papers together and lighting them to carry your wishes away in a spark of blue fire.

i wish she hadnt been the bigger person.

i wish i would have purchased even one christmas present this year.

i wish i wasnt such a jerk.